Tuesday, July 6, 2010

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The Sun

Lety and I were sitting under a tree in Central Park. The leaves looked like the lane of sparkle from the sun on the sea. We laid beneath the sky as the sun hangs above the ocean with its bits of light floating on the energy it sends through the sea.

Monday, July 5, 2010

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Kept Out

I was on a stage in a plastic Knight's costume and some play was supposed to be going on but I wasn't speaking the lines as they were written; I never even considered that I may have known them; there was no attempt to speak the lines. I commented on some of the character's actions as if they were real; I related them to the real experiences of my life. I heard an audience member complain that I wasn't performing correctly, but -- as if it weren't for them but me for whom I was on the stage -- I ignored her and focused inward. I tried to see my hands but they weren't there. I lost the play because I tried to force myself to see my hands instead of accepting that they weren't there -- or that I didn't need them.

Neverland (Piano Variation in Blue) -- Jan A.P. Kaczmarek

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

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Moirai's Gloves

hands slipped
in a cashmere promise,
a kiss met
on shaken palms

Monday, June 28, 2010

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Nothing to Do but Smash Kangaroos

Holly Henry Mancini

Marion Cotillard! Assuming the cat has more than just pajamas, she's the the cat's black evening frock. To me she's one of the the best examples of feminine perfection.

Friday, June 25, 2010

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This post is dedicated to Mayonaid because it is from our wonderful, pages long, totally bad-ass message conversation on le Facebook.

You Are the Best Thing – Ray LaMontagne

Is GAP having a good sale? I need to get business clothes if I get this proofreading job (I find out if I get it today! Je suis très excité).

Unnecessarily long, priggish grammar rant in 5...4...3...2...1...

I have a big issue with terminating punctuation inside parentheses. The parenthesis should be an interjection on the sentence in which it's contained that wouldn't fit or might even damage the sentence and textuality if it weren't separated. If it's not explanatory (really, it should be explanatory), if it isn't an interruption then it belongs in the text on or excluded completely because then it probably has nothing to do with whatever you're writing (or in a footnote, but I hate them with the flaming passion of a thousand STDs).

In the above example, "I find out if I get it today! Je suis très excité" doesn't really belong in parentheses. I put it in parentheses though because that paragraph should really be about the GAP sale and having to get business clothes, not about getting the job. However! my interest in the sale at GAP is because of a need for business clothes that wholly depends on my getting the proofreading job, which I find out if I get today (I know, right – DJ Dilemma, spin that shit!).

Anyway, all of this is supposed to be about my issue with terminating punctuation in parentheses brought on by my use of the exclamation point in "I find out if I get it today! Je suis très excité." There is no need because it shouldn't be a freestanding exposition (if it is or not, I haven't yet decided), but, all together now, an interruption. In a different case such as "All I can say is hooray! because I got the job," I wouldn't consider the exclamation point as terminating because it isn't; it's a glittered and bedazzled comma. BUT! (DJ Dilemma, keep that jawn goin' louder) in the case at hand, the exclamation point would need to serve as a semicolon (my saving grace for two independent clauses in a parenthesis), and homie don't play that. Could a jester replace a queen? Would you call a splash in a pool a motha-fuckin' tsunami; or a People's Choice Award, an Oscar?! Heavens, NO! You wouldn't even think it, let alone actually call an exclamation point a semicolon.

Okay...I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. If it isn't obvious, I'm trying to tighten up my use of parentheses 'cause I let them run rampant. I need to be their pack leader; rules, boundaries, and limitations, Cesar would say. I could have just avoided all this by rewriting the paragraph:

Is GAP having a good sale? I find out if I get that proofreading job today (Je suis très excité) and I'll have to get business clothes if I do. I want to get a navy blue sport coat and dress pants, a white, fitted shirt, a skinny tie, and these shoes.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

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Is It Thursday Already?

One day without the internet at my house and I've lost my shit completely. I didn't have gas either yesterday, which led to hours in bed thinking about everything I should be doing. I'm at the library today; the plan: to just do everything that I think I should be doing. I get frustrated, though; this isn't me, I say, this is really something that I want to do, but again, I have to ask, is there a difference. Shouldn't I want to be doing the things I should be doing. This might not make sense without specifics, so I'll use the case of my internship. I got the internship because it was something I wanted, but now it's become something I don't do but should be. I'm lazy. No more laziness.

I Put a Spell on You – Nina Simone

I love my daisies, my friends. They're mine.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

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Sur le Fil – Yann Tiersen

I've been feeling pretty crappy these past few days. Shout out to Ms. Leticia ElNaggar for always making me feel better. I need to force myself to be around people. People make me forget everything that is horrible. I just need to grin and bear the happiness by distraction, allow it, forget it, and let myself move on from it.

But playing with legos in Lety's basement – that is the purest happiness.

I feel like I'm being kept in a life against myself. I always complain that I can't ever just be me but am always a presentation of the person I want to be, but is there really a difference? I'm falling out of life again, out of connection; I spilled the few drips of emotion that have condensed over the years, but now I'm emptier than before with nothing to show for it. I don't think I'm even trying anymore. Because trying at life is not living? Well, neither is this.

Monday, June 21, 2010

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One Must Be Scientific above All, Scientific

Despite my passionate and desperate devotion to hopefulness (not always optimism...but always hopefulness), I lay awake in bed unable (or is it unwilling) to sleep, for that I must awake tomorrow and have another day, another failing attempt at life (life, simply); that I will lie here tomorrow, mired by the same; fills me with an exhaustion defined not by a much preferable (but routine...!) sleepiness, but by the debility in this cycle, this routine (I write only of life, simply). I lay here chipped away, fragmented and flaky as sleep washes over me, disintegrating but incapable of diluting my mind; here, again here! and tomorrow here, when sleep will again wash over and disintegrate but fail to dilute the flakes the day has chipped out of the morning's precipitate.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

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New Leaf?

Breakfast: Two cigarettes (Marlboro 27s), Zoloft, and half a roll from Bertucci's.

Hardly one of champions, but we've all gotta start somewhere. I'm nixing the cigarettes, probably increasing the Zoloft, and finding some more protein 'cause I eat too much bread (I wonder if Bertucci's makes protein versions of their rolls 'cause them fuckas TAYsty).

Plans for the day are tentative per the entirety of this summer so far. I'm going to the library where I'll procrastinate for a while, get angry about Joe High School's Facebook status then cram study for a proofreading interview I have tomorrow. But first I think I'm going to watch one of the Dog Whisperer DVD's and really become a 'pack leader.'

This is like day 3? of my new life. It's not so much as a new leaf turned as a new tree planted.

283 words in my current short story...gotta get working.

-Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

I have to stop thinking of life as an already broken-winged bird, a flock of them that cannot and should not try to fly. I'm nineteen. It's okay to have dreams.

Inspire, move & touch: Are you stuck at the crossroads of life? Oh, wolves (and Woolfs). They keep popping up everywhere I turn, inside myself and out.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

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Detached Verses

-Abba Kovner (translated, from Hebrew, by Eddie Levenston)

Soon you will pass from the darkened room
to another world.
Freed from debts
and contacts.

One more
one more look
at the neighbor's garden
and his dog asleep
on the still warm tiles.

A headline
A headline still blaring
by the base of an overflowing garbage can.

A little
A little longer in the setting light of
the sun.

The stub of a moment of parting
from things we ignored when we could still
live erect on our feet

Things we believed would never
fade have already been abandoned
by your memory.

If only you had been one of the philosophers!
giving a flavor of meaning
to ruined buildings, to acts

of heroism, to our fate.

Was that leap
into the depths
any easier?

Soon we shall know
if we have learnt to accept that the stars
do not go out when we die.